'8 WAYS TO SAY I LOVE YOU'

based on this post

  1. Spit it into your prayers, voice raspy from nights of tense wakefulness, furious that you’re even praying at all. Wait for him to appear by your side as he has done so many times before. Hope he won’t hear. Hope he will.
  2.  Sigh it into his mouth, wedged in between teeth and tongues. Don’t even let your lips move as you say it, ever so lightly, into the air. Maybe it was just an exhalation of ecstacy.
  3. Buy him a coffee table book full of images from the Hubble Space Telescope. Pretend not to see the tears in his eyes as he flips through it. Take him to a gourmet burger restaurant (“gourmet”? Burgers? Really? but he loves it), dressed up in your stiff monkey suit. Feel like you’ve tripped and fallen headfirst into one of those chick flicks you abhor.
  4. Whisper it into the back of his neck in the middle of the night, after you’ve counted his breaths and are certain he’s asleep. Forget he doesn’t need to sleep until after he shifts and turns towards you. Maybe you were just muttering in your sleep.
  5. Blurt it out after he saves you yet again. When time seems to freeze and he gets as tense as the empty husk of the demon he smote is not, frantically backtrack and tack on “how much simpler dealing with these sons-of-bitches is with you” or “when you make that intense face” or, if you are feeling particularly brave, “when you save me.” Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and pretend you don’t feel his eyes on you for the rest of the hunt.
  6.  Write him a letter after a few stiff drinks in which the amount of circumnavigating and angst could rival… well, any heart-to-heart you’ve ever had. Debate where to leave it all day - on his seat in the car? In his trenchcoat pocket? Throw it away in drunken frustration, conveniently leaving it faceup in the motel trashcan, his name scrawled on the front in your sloppy handwriting. Let him wonder if you meant it.
  7. Wait until something terrible has happened and you can’t not tell him anymore. Wait until he returns to you against all odds yet again, and after you are done cursing at him for being reckless, realize you are actually just terrified of living without him. Tell him with your hands shaking.
  8. Say it deliberately, placing equal weight on each syllable. Over coffee at shitty backwoods diners, walking side-by-side into another certain-death situation, while researching the monster of the week - it doesn’t matter where. Do not dilute it with extra words like “I think” or “I might.” Do not sigh heavily or preface it with “Dammit” as if admitting it were a burden instead of one of the most terrifyingly joyous things you’ve ever done. Look him in his blue, blue eyes and pray, all-too-human heart thumping wildly, that he will turn to you and say, “I love you too.”

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